Christmas Hunting

Christmas shopping requires just the right amount of guts, and I always move with my elbows out. If you have ever gone to the 5:00 AM morning “Black Friday Sales” you know what I mean. They open the doors, and in everyone rushes— all going for the same gift item. You know the one, the one that everyone wants. The one that the store advertises for half the regular price. The one that they only have two of on the shelf. The one that the store employees have stashed in the back room for themselves. Me and seventy-five other moms all rush for that perfect gift, all going for those two toys on the shelf. The store doesn‘t even have the decency to put them in the regular spot. Oh no, the Elmo toys aren‘t in the toy section, but in the automotive area. Who in their right mind would look for toys in the automotive section? That‘s when it hit me, and I figured out the conspiracy, the Big Plan. Those sneaky bastards. I’ve got their game all figured out. They enjoy watching people scurry, watching us battle over $10.00 deals. The store employees are getting their revenge for having to be there so early, and who can blame them. It’s so early that I didn’t even really get dressed. I just put sweats on over my
pajamas, all in the hopes that I can go back to bed when I get home. Those poor employees have only just started that eight hour shift. I guess I should cut them some slack, if only they weren’t enjoying this so much. I can see them laughing, “Sure, the Elmo toys, they should be in the toys department.” Oh right, I fell for that trick before. They won’t get me twice.
Ask any sleepy looking employee the question, “Where are those $50.00 computers?”
The answer will always be, “We must be out of those already.” Already? You opened up three minutes ago, how could they be out already? It’s enough to ruin Christmas. Who needs peace on Earth and good will towards man, what I need is a computer for my teen and an Elmo for my toddler. That’s my holiday dream. How can my child not get that perfect gift, how will she ever cope, how will I cope, I wonder?
Wait a minute, what about that Elmo. I bet that it is somewhere weird this year. Last year, the latest Elmo toy was in the hair care area, just maybe…Yes, score, I found it, it was in a strange area again. However, someone else has found the pot of gold also, and in the rush, I remember the trick of all great bargain shoppers— shop with your elbows up. This self-defense trick is the only protection I have against that ninety-pound grandma going after MY Elmo. See that toy on the shelf? Yes, that last Elmo. I must move quickly if I want to snatch it up before the grandma next to me gets any funny ideas. Victory is mine. The season will be wonderful after all.
The blessed morning arrives, and the stockings are hung by the chimney with care. All the kids get the perfect gift from Santa. Who gave me that ugly sweater that is two sizes too small? Luckily, the gift receipt is included, so it is off to the store again. Bah humbug, now for that returns line…