You Need To Be Specific

With kids (especially sons) you need to be specific and don’t assume anything. Asking, “Did you wash your hands?” Needs to be the more specific question of, “did you use soap and wash both hands?”
Hygiene is a tricky area with boys. It’s not until they smell like a monkey’s butt, or look like a hobo that they’ll finally take a shower. Potatoes start growing in their ears, their finger nails will get long and dirty. Their teeth will get green and brown. If you think you shouldn’t have to remind your son to cut his toenails or brush his teeth— think again. “Did you brush all your teeth?” And, “in the shower did you use soap and after your shower did you put on clean clothes and underwear?” Sound like stupid questions, until you have a son. I’ve personally seen my kid wearing the same dirty clothes after they took a shower.
“Did you clean your room?” needs to be a more detailed question like, “did you pick up your socks, video games and toys?” Followed by, “did you shove everything into the closet or under the bed?”
“Why are you two fighting?” Can be interrupted many ways to a kid, you need to ask, “Who hit who first, what started the argument?” or “why are you missing a tooth and why is there blood on the floor?”
With kids, “What are you doing?” is too vague. If you suspect something, you need to ask, “Where are you putting your dirty socks and why can’t I find any of them?” Or my personal favorite, “where is the other half of the crayon, is it up your nose?”
Kids need reminders. Like not eating the whole bag of candy. It should be obvious, unless you’re a kid. They need a reminder that eating ten pounds of chocolate will make them sick. They also need a reminder to brush their teeth and to change their underwear— daily.
Someday I’ll miss these little pep talks, until then I’ll remember not to assume anything and that the questions need to be specific.

School Chum Puppets

I have some free time on my hands and thought why not create puppets of my friends from junior high? Some people might say I have too much time on my hands. Nutty does run in my family. Besides, how much fun could puppets be? I can put on plays and re-enact old dramas; you know the usual stuff I do on my down time. I took an old class picture, made a copy, and will use my bitchin’ talents in crafts to turn them into puppets. It’s amazing what I can do with a hot glue gun, yarn, sequins, glitter, felt and Popsicle sticks. The plaid school uniforms will be tricky to replicate in felt, but with all the memories floating back, I’ve got the time to work on them while I’m in the waiting to see my therapist. The puppets will come in handy when I’m trying to re-enact important events from my youth.
Now all I need is the backdrop. I’m thinking church pews or an asphalt parking lot/playground. When I get my stage set up I’ll be sure to post pictures of the performances. I've missed my old friends so much, [cue Psycho music] it'll be like they've never left me...

Tips For A Memorable Job Interview

In these tough economic times people need all the help they can get. As a community service I’d like to help by giving some tips for nailing the all important job interview.
Prospective new employers love creative employees, so now is the time to break out the vinyl jumpsuits and faux leopard fur vests. Wow them with your fashion forward thinking. Another over looked area is hygiene. Clean hair, nails and teeth are boring, try green nail polish and artfully applied fake tattoos.
How you address the interviewer should depends on their gender, females love to be called “Toots” and males “Dude/Man.” Make sure you start the interview with your latest interpretive dance routine (I can’t be the only one out there who has more then one routine) with or without music.
There are areas in the interview process that allow you to let your personality shine through. Ask about the company’s harassment policies, and then wink at the interviewer. Other important questions are about the company’s dating protocol, drug testing, how long you have to work there before you qualify for un-employment, disability and vacation time for your annual trip to Baja to watch the shrew migration. You should always ask, “So, where are all the hot chicks/guys around here?” and “does casual Friday include nudity?”
With my tips I hope you are able to make a lasting impression. Good luck on your job quest.

It's Not A Midlife Crisis!?

I went to see Cirque Du Soleil Kooza. It was amazing; I was completely captivated by the performers. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. How do they make their bodies do those tricks? I now know what I want to be when I grow up [drum roll please]…I want to be an acrobat.
I know what you’re thinking, must be a midlife crisis thing. Well, it’s not; at least I don’t think it is. It’s good to try new things, right? Every year I try something new, just add this to the long list of other weird things I’ve tried or done in the last few years. There were Cello lessons, I joined several writing critique groups, a fencing class, painting and writing workshops, white water rafting trips, winter camping in Ely, the numerous committees I’ve joined and the grant application I'm working on for a local wrtiting group. Just add circus acrobat to the long list of things I’m curious about, [in my Oprah-like voice over] I believe it’s important to challenge oneself and to dream big.
There are a few obstacles to my ambitious acrobat dream. Being almost 40 is one of them. Maybe I should have started working on the gymnastics thing say, 35 years ago? I can do a fine somersault, and almost a headstand ( note to self: work on my interpretive dance routines also). Another problem is being 5’5”. My height is far from statuesque, but still a foot too tall. The acrobats were tiny and buff, me not so much.
Besides the obvious problems of my age and height, there is a bigger obstacle— I’m afraid of heights. This one could be a problem. Watching the performers walk a tight rope and jump from trapeze to trapeze midair left me breathless with sweaty palms and reminded me that I freeze when it comes to heights. Unlike my age and height, this obstacle is one I can do something about, maybe I’ll look into trapeze lessons. I’m sure I’ve seen something on them on TV, or read about them somewhere. I should look into this, conquering my fear would be good for me. Trapeze lessons sound (painful, insane, midlife crisis like) very enjoyable.

He's Not In Jail?

I feel twelve years old again. I just found old friends from elementary school on Facebook. I attended a small private Catholic school in St. Paul ( I know that does explain a lot about why I’m the way I am). The school is long gone, but the memories are burned in my brain forever.
I spent the last twenty minutes laughing and saying peoples names aloud. My kids keep asking, “Who’s that?” I can’t stop smiling and giggling. Wow, what a blast from the past. I keep going in deeper; one friend leads to another old friend. Where does it end? Will I be able to friend request everyone and what if I miss someone? The questions boggle my mind. Some of these people I thought I’d never find (I thought maybe they’d be in jail in an exotic foreign country, you know who you are) I’m running out of time to play online, I feel rushed, I know someone has been forgotten, sorry to anyone I’ve missed…

It's a rough job, but somebody had to do it

It’s been a rough week at the beach, but somebody had to do it. The kids had swimming lessons this week, so I was at the beach four hours a day, five days in a row. It was beautiful, warm and sunny. The perfect summer beach weather. After taking stock, I now have:
One empty bottle of sunscreen
Three inches of sand in my mini-van, sand in my hair and in various creases
Piles of laundry waiting for my attention
One weeks worth of take out container taking up space in my garbage can
A sunburned nose, shoulders, and back
A completely read book
A mellow and refreshed feeling
Kids that are better swimmers
A weeks worth of e-mail to check
A nice tan
New ideas for my blog

This is what I’ve learned this week:
My mini-van will hold 20 pounds of beach sand
Kids can eat $35.00 worth of snacks daily when playing at the beach
My kids are deaf to me calling them when it’s time to leave
Using regular diapers at the beach is a bad idea, they can hold a kids weight in lake water
Don’t say, “don’t make me come and get you.” Unless you are willing to go into the water and get them, the kids know a bluff when they hear one
I need a bigger bathing suit (mine must have shrunk since last year)
A toddler can take a power nap in the car and feel refreshed in ten minutes, a mom needs fourteen hours of sleep to feel that rested
Sunscreen burns and then blurs your vision when you get it into your eyes
A full “little swimmer diaper” will hold two cups of fluid while in a car seat, only to dump it’s contents on your sofa
You can take a crabby kid to the beach and you’ll magically get a happy kid, you take a crabby mom to the beach and you’ll magically have a hot, tired, and still crabby mom
It’s impossible to suck in your stomach while yelling at your kids
I will never again buy the kids ice cream to eat on the way home from the beach, the kids were sandy and sticky when we got home
The bottoms of your feet and your eye lids can get sunburned too
My four year old daughter already likes Life Guards (she convinced one young man to play catch with her)
Everyone knows you’re peeing in the lake if your eyes glaze over and you say, “ahh” (you’re not fooling anyone, we know why you are out there)
Kids splashing adults isn’t a good way to get them used to the cold lake water
You can get into trouble for dunking some else’s kids

Summertime Blues

I have the summertime blues. I feel sluggish and cannot seem to get my butt moving lately. It’s been too hot, then too cold. Now I’m too tired. When it’s nice out, I blame it on the beautiful weather. I’m feeling lethargic in my summertime funk. I’m too relaxed and drowsy to do much of anything. All I want to do is sit in the sun, relax and read (I’m loving the book “Loving Frank” and I don’t want to put it down). Maybe I’m not lazy, but simply solar powered and I need to recharge in the sun. As much as I love lounging with a good book, sitting around relaxing in the sun really isn’t an option for me. I’ve got too much to do to sit on my tail all day, I can’t be a lollygagger. Meals need to be made, e-mail checked, and the laundry is piling up. My blog is suffering, the weeds are taking over my garden and the vacuum is covered with a layer of dust.
Maybe all the busy summer activities the family has going on have made me feel sluggish and drained. I’m exhausted. Camping, birthday parties, library and museum trips, golf lessons, picnics, music lessons and trips to the playground. Keeping the kids busy has taken its toll, I’m worn out.
Next week the kids have swimming lessons, so I’ll be at the beach for three hours a day five days in a row. I’m not sure if this will cure me or make it worse. By the end of the week I’ll have finished reading my book, I’ll be tan and hopefully feel refreshed and ready to tackle the world again. I hope a week of sun and fun at the beach will cure my summertime blues, but I’m afraid it might make things worse. After all there “Ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.” I think there might be something to that.

My Happy Place Changed The Locks

When the kids get too rowdy and noisy I go to my happy place. It’s there that I find peace and quiet. Everyone’s happy place is different. In my happy place there is a large deep green freshly mowed lawn with large oak trees, cool breezes, a comfy hammock and a huge cold glass of iced tea. My happy place is quiet, just the birds singing. And no pests of any kind— mosquitoes, flies or noisy kids.
Lately it’s been difficult to tune the kids out. They are driving me crazy. Jumping off furniture, running around the table and yelling loud enough to rattle the windows. I just can’t seem to ignore them and go to my happy place. Why can’t I get there anymore? Where has my happy place gone, has my happy place changed the locks?